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The following is an excerpt from Paul David Tripp’s War of Words

Recently I watched my sons argue with each other. This was nothing new; they are two years apart and have had many arguments. In fact, this particular argument is one they have had many times before. Yet this time it captured my attention. Their words were laden with accusation. Their tone was angry. No one stopped to listen as the volley words escalated and the volume increased. It wasn’t long before they had abandoned the issue at hand to hurl hurts from the past at each other. They both spoke out of pain, frustration and anger, impatience and jealousy. They weren’t speaking to solve problems or listening to understand. Their words were simply weapons in a war. Each of them wanted to silence the other and win …

As I listened, two thoughts gripped me. The first was that I didn’t want to have to deal with this “war” the first thing in the morning. But the second thought was more theological and more gripping. I realized that I had never taught my boys how to argue and fight. I had never taught them how to wound each other with words, I had never lectured them on the right moment to dump a record of wrongs on another person … Yet my sons fenced with confidence and skill. They had a natural talent to use words to do exactly what their angry hearts desired …

As I began to intervene, my heart was filled with sadness. I could stop the argument, but I could not change what really needed to be changed. Moreover, I was powerfully aware that what needed to be changed within them still needed to be changed within me … I spoke to my boys with tears that morning, because for once I was more gripped by the gravity of our spiritual need than by my frustration over another petty quarrel to solve.

There is something incredibly real and nearly breathtaking about this insight. The emergence of a “heart issue” mentality is what captured my heart (no pun) about Christianity and Jesus Christ in the first place. The idea that God was in the business of transforming hearts said something to me. Not only did the promise of a changed heart mean something to me, but so did the idea that I could be used to get to the meat of what pains my friends and family. The objective wasn’t to be Mr. Fix-It – you can’t be. And it wasn’t to make converts either – I alone am not capable of doing that. It was, however, to make disciples and get to the heart of our issues. I’m going to be using the word “heart” a lot.

“I spoke to my boys with tears that morning, because for once I was more gripped by the gravity of our spiritual need than by my frustration over another petty quarrel to solve … The war of words that morning went so much deeper than [learning better communication techniques or a better sense of location and timing]“

Brian Hall, the man who for whatever reason was blessed by God with the patience to put up with me and have serious 1-on-1 conversations with me until I understood this Gospel message, understood this idea above all things. It is undeniable that his knowledge in the field of Sociology served him well in trying to figure out how people operate. The issue of the heart couldn’t be ignored and it couldn’t be silenced.

I Am Messed Up
In the midst of all of the craziness going on in my house I’ve realized something deep and true: I have major issues. Issues that can’t be  addressed with a slap on the wrist and a fortune cookie bible verse. Issues that probably aren’t addressed with just a really good dinner; eating a lot of food with Christians until I forget; having a lot of “fellowship” events until I forget. If the function of fellowship within the church in the midst of the darkest nights of the soul were to oversaturate damaged heart-issues with clean fun, it does about the same amount of transformation as just hitting up the bar after a day of stress.

Don’t misinterpret; fellowship has a biblical function and purpose, it just extends far beyond fun events.

You Don’t Just “Wake Up on the Wrong Side of the Bed”
I’ve seen people lash out at others with bitter attitude and explain their bitterness by saying “I woke up grumpy.” That’s honestly a load of hogwash. There is no such thing. Something happened, someone did something, you thought something yesterday or over a decade ago, and there’s a serious heart issue going on. And that doesn’t just mean “Yeah, I’m prideful.” Confessing “I’m prideful,” is an amazing first step to understanding our brokenness. Unfortunately, it is also the vaguest understanding of what’s going on in your mind and triggering your thoughts. Pride is always the beginning: thinking “I can” instead of “God can. Healing can start from understanding where that pride trickles down to in our lives. From what I read in these books and articles and what I hear in these messages and conferences, CCEF is all about figuring out how to get to the bottom of this.

I could genuinely use the guidance of leaders with this vision in my life and I could also use a heads-up on what they believe and hold true to through scripture for self-examination and help for others. I don’t see myself being a counselor behind a desk as much as I see myself wanting to be a useful help to my friends.

Fear of Hate
One of my troubles is being able to share what I’m currently going through. I think the reason I don’t like sharing is because I’m afraid that I will hate the person I’m telling for not caring. I fear that I’ll hate them for not extending a hand in their actions. My father hates the world of talk; he always talks about how his life on earth has been filled with people talking about all that they’re going to do for him, how much they’re going to care about him, and none of it manifesting itself into real action. I share in his pessimism quite a bit. It gets to a nasty level of selfishness, though I’ll also say that it never arises unaccompanied. Though this is an issue of mine, I do always end up telling someone eventually. This is where trouble arises.

I’m always told that if someone comes to you with an issue, you don’t have to scramble for an answer. I believe in that. I’ve been the victim of terrible advice. What’s bad about terrible advice is that if you don’t realize that it’s terrible, you may actually follow it and end up in a world of hurt after. Anyway, the idea behind “just” listening to someone is that listening in itself is an act of love. I think, in the life of a Christian, it’s more than that though.

Yes! please don’t rush premature advice. Maybe it’s not your role to give advice at all. But people wear their pain like battle scars – especially from childhood – and the scars will continue to resurface in different little ways as long as we live in this world of sin. It may be in a feisty attitude here and there, meta-social anxiety from sensitivity to rejection, a distrust of authority from being wronged by a parent, anything. The leaders at CCEF seem committed to getting to the bottom of where this pain is coming from. But they do it in the best way: they use the eyeglasses of Christ to get there and His atoning sacrifice as the foundation for healing. There is no one method to loving someone. There are so many different issues that people have. But one thing that Brian communicated to me in his actions – he never verbally said it to me – was “It is so important that you learn, grow, and repent. This world is not going to be given to you on a silver platter. You’re going to have to be a leader. However, in this battle, in your struggle to run the race, I will fight with you to get to the bottom of this.”

This made Christ’s power to transform people feel so real to me. I don’t know where it has been recently, but I hope to find something like it where I’m going.