A Preface
Throughout this journal, I will be using the term “idol.” An idol can take on many forms; forms that extend beyond golden sculptures of ancient gods of wisdom. An idol in this journal is anything and everything except the proclaimed God of Heaven and Earth. It can be food, sex, television, Twitter, etc. These are all good and glorious things – seriously, glorious. They become “idols” when a good thing like these is taken and made ultimate in a person’s life. It’s fairly simple to spot idols in people’s lives; we call them “addictions.” This act is referred to in scripture as “idolatry.”

The difference between the way that holy scripture and our society view idolatry is the degree of sensitivity. It’s typically not until a man is writhing on the floor, foaming at the mouth that society will say that he has an addiction to drugs. The bible begs us to check our heart out constantly and question what our lives revolve around. The writers of Isaiah, Jeremiah, and 1st & 2nd John who warn us about idols were in affectionate relationships with God and He sent them to inform us about keeping our guard up against these sensitive addictions for the sake of our fragile, wayward hearts.

Understanding The Idol

The idol brings about slavery … We cannot help ourselves – we must follow our god. They poison the heart into complete dependence on the idol for salvation and hope (Is. 44:17) and yet, when we are in trouble, they cannot save us (Jer. 2:28). In Ezekiel 14:1-11, we have the unique term “idols in their hearts,” which the people “set before their face” (v.3, 4). God says that we set up idols in our hearts, but he will seek to “recapture the hearts of the people” (v.5) This means that an idol is not primarily a material image, but some thing or relation or person or cause that we make the center of out hope and affection.

Dr. Timothy J. Keller

Idols do not rule over us. To clarify, an idol within itself does not maintain the capacity or power to exclusively rule over a particular group of people. Rather than recognizing that we are a people created in God’s image, we make our idol a god created in our own image (Isaiah 2:8). Keller clarifies that it is only, in a sense, “worshiping ourselves, or a reflection of our own sensibility” (emphasis added). This is the only way that one may understand the possibility and reality of a Christian tragically making Jesus Christ an idol.

Making Jesus Christ an Idol
You might ask yourself: isn’t Jesus Christ being our idol the whole point of Christianity? In a word, no. When Christ becomes a part of a person’s life, that person recognizes his finiteness, his inadequacy, his foolishness, and his desire to be loved, and he can’t help but surrender to God through seeking to comprehend Jesus Christ’s sacrifice on the cross; he is surrendering to Who is now his Father and understanding that he was created in His image. He can’t help but find joy in showing love to Him and pleasing Him wholeheartedly.

Making an idol out of Jesus is the exact opposite; in Jesus idolatry, man takes the historical person-hood of Jesus, makes him into the man’s own image – taking and leaving whatever characteristics that he may like – and serving this idolized Jesus for some type of reward or fulfillment in return. This man may serve in his church, memorize the bible, drive people around, but all only in vain. There’s no affection, nor understanding of affection from God. Ultimately, he doesn’t feel loved because he has his eye on something else to fulfill him, let it be praise, poise, pride, or prosperity. The real God doesn’t work like this. We can’t make him owe us through multitudes of good works. The idea is that we’re broken as we are, and that we need a mighty rock to hold onto in a sea of enveloping sand.

What Truly Enslaves
I don’t believe that idols are what enslave us. We enslave ourselves to idols, but in search of something else. When a man overindulges in food habitually, I don’t believe that there is merely an addiction to food. When a man overindulges in video games, I don’t believe that there is merely an addiction to video games. We give the idols power over us because we believe that if we worship it, it will give us the thing that we want. Paul Tripp – a man who makes me feel extremely awkward as I read his books, because most of what he writes on the page is something I’ve mulled over in my head at least 10 times – brings the greatest amount of clarity in his message at the 2008 Desiring God Conference: “The War of Words & The Wonder of God.” We live in a world of “I want.” It’s all about what “I want” and we will step on whoever we need to step on and twist whatever we need to twist to secretly get what we want. All of us.

Last year I lived by myself in a spankin’ new apartment near the “Main Street” of my town: Olden Avenue. In this town, Olden Avenue was pretty much the hotspot for everything fast food and bargain Italian, among your local Blockbuster and Shop Rite. The thing about living in my apartment was just that; I was living in my own apartment with my own kitchen and I was fully capable of cooking myself healthy, hardy meals. I gained a lot of weight that year. My relationship with fast food is pretty intimate. I actually blame it on Evangelicalism and it’s love of discussing, planning and doing everything ministry-related over McDonald’s or Applebee’s. It was only when I became a Christian that I ate out almost every day of the week. I pretty much stayed inside all week before that transformation. However, that year in my new apartment was different. I was eating more and putting on more pounds. I made a real idol out of greasy food. Funny thing is that I didn’t even realize it until this past Sunday.

Finding My Comfort
That year I found myself constantly coming home stressed out. Closing my apartment door behind me was like finally taking the pieces of tape holding my smile up. Just as I put my stuff down and thought about how I could remedy myself, I could only think of one thing:

Taco Bell.

I found myself needing it. At first it was just like “Wow! This tastes really good. I’ve found a new restaurant to add to my library.” But my context of desire changed those nights that I came home. I said to myself “This food will satisfy me, it will fulfill all of the expectations that weren’t filled all throughout my day. Things sucked today and … I’m entitled to this.”

That’s where it was. That’s where it lay: my entitlement. This is, by the way, one of my biggest problems. Who cares that it’s unhealthy? Who cares what it will do to me? I’m entitled to this. And this will fill in the blanks of my life if I can just have it, with a strawberry slushie, and an episode of House M.D. playing in front of me until I pass out on the couch.

This was indeed my plan of salvation, people.

What was my idol? Food. Was it what drove me? No, not really. I wanted painlessness, healing, and comfort. Taco Bell didn’t call my iPhone. I wanted to use it to get what I wanted. And I worshiped it. How? Not by getting on my knees and bowing to a burrito. That’s not how today’s Americans worship. Americans worship in another way: I kept giving it money to it in desperate hopes of salvation. I got no such thing. All I got were false hopes and enough juice to give it another go the next day. Keller points out that idolatry is “a way to perform and appease a god so that it will give you security, influence, comfort, and power.” I wanted it all, and I wanted it all right now.

It’s All Over a Man’s Life
This goes on today in my relationships. Over and over, I do the same thing: I take my faith, this faith that always gives the benefit of the doubt, always assumes perfection in knowledge and action, and always takes everything with a whole salt-shaker, and I invest it in a man who I want to be like. Then the reality of their imperfect humanity hits: they sin. And it hits hard. It takes months for me to recover from disappointment and hopelessness. I stubbornly refuse to give it to God; it’s as if I’m asking to get hurt every time. And time and time again I demand that God be someone I can see, converse with, and hug. Unfortunately, in my travels, I never try to heighten my senses in our relationship so that I’d realize that He is all I will ever need to be and that He can be felt if one seeks wholeheartedly. I fall back down into the world of “I want.”

I want painlessness.

I want male affirmation.

I want the childhood that was taken away from me.

But I think I really just want God.

So what do you say to your obese best friend who is addicted to food? I don’t know. Hopefully you know him or her well enough to find the heart of the issue. Maybe the issue isn’t that they’re hellbent on screwing up their health. In that case, sharing with them the reality that they may have serious medical problems in a couple years may not do much but spark an initial knee-jerk reaction. That may not keep them in a gym if their heart issues have to deal with loneliness or abandonment. Maybe if they could be counseled and shown that God can fill that specific cup to an overflow – and how exactly that can happen – then food wouldn’t seem like much of an escape. The idea is that the light of God is so bright, that everything else appears dim and frail. We’ve all got idols blinding us. Ever thought of searching for yours? How empty does your life look without it?

More to come. This is always on my mind.

This might be too late, but I truly am so, so sorry for the people I’ve trampled along my path towards realizing all of this.

Dark and cold we may be, but this
Is no winter now. The frozen misery
Of centuries breaks, cracks, begins to move,
The thunder is the thunder of the floes,
The thaw, the flood, the upstart of Spring
Thank God our time is now when wrong
Comes up to face us everywhere,
Never to leave us till we take
The longest stride of soul men ever took.

Written by Christopher Fry

The following is an excerpt from Paul David Tripp’s War of Words

Recently I watched my sons argue with each other. This was nothing new; they are two years apart and have had many arguments. In fact, this particular argument is one they have had many times before. Yet this time it captured my attention. Their words were laden with accusation. Their tone was angry. No one stopped to listen as the volley words escalated and the volume increased. It wasn’t long before they had abandoned the issue at hand to hurl hurts from the past at each other. They both spoke out of pain, frustration and anger, impatience and jealousy. They weren’t speaking to solve problems or listening to understand. Their words were simply weapons in a war. Each of them wanted to silence the other and win …

As I listened, two thoughts gripped me. The first was that I didn’t want to have to deal with this “war” the first thing in the morning. But the second thought was more theological and more gripping. I realized that I had never taught my boys how to argue and fight. I had never taught them how to wound each other with words, I had never lectured them on the right moment to dump a record of wrongs on another person … Yet my sons fenced with confidence and skill. They had a natural talent to use words to do exactly what their angry hearts desired …

As I began to intervene, my heart was filled with sadness. I could stop the argument, but I could not change what really needed to be changed. Moreover, I was powerfully aware that what needed to be changed within them still needed to be changed within me … I spoke to my boys with tears that morning, because for once I was more gripped by the gravity of our spiritual need than by my frustration over another petty quarrel to solve.

There is something incredibly real and nearly breathtaking about this insight. The emergence of a “heart issue” mentality is what captured my heart (no pun) about Christianity and Jesus Christ in the first place. The idea that God was in the business of transforming hearts said something to me. Not only did the promise of a changed heart mean something to me, but so did the idea that I could be used to get to the meat of what pains my friends and family. The objective wasn’t to be Mr. Fix-It – you can’t be. And it wasn’t to make converts either – I alone am not capable of doing that. It was, however, to make disciples and get to the heart of our issues. I’m going to be using the word “heart” a lot.

“I spoke to my boys with tears that morning, because for once I was more gripped by the gravity of our spiritual need than by my frustration over another petty quarrel to solve … The war of words that morning went so much deeper than [learning better communication techniques or a better sense of location and timing]“

Brian Hall, the man who for whatever reason was blessed by God with the patience to put up with me and have serious 1-on-1 conversations with me until I understood this Gospel message, understood this idea above all things. It is undeniable that his knowledge in the field of Sociology served him well in trying to figure out how people operate. The issue of the heart couldn’t be ignored and it couldn’t be silenced.

I Am Messed Up
In the midst of all of the craziness going on in my house I’ve realized something deep and true: I have major issues. Issues that can’t be  addressed with a slap on the wrist and a fortune cookie bible verse. Issues that probably aren’t addressed with just a really good dinner; eating a lot of food with Christians until I forget; having a lot of “fellowship” events until I forget. If the function of fellowship within the church in the midst of the darkest nights of the soul were to oversaturate damaged heart-issues with clean fun, it does about the same amount of transformation as just hitting up the bar after a day of stress.

Don’t misinterpret; fellowship has a biblical function and purpose, it just extends far beyond fun events.

You Don’t Just “Wake Up on the Wrong Side of the Bed”
I’ve seen people lash out at others with bitter attitude and explain their bitterness by saying “I woke up grumpy.” That’s honestly a load of hogwash. There is no such thing. Something happened, someone did something, you thought something yesterday or over a decade ago, and there’s a serious heart issue going on. And that doesn’t just mean “Yeah, I’m prideful.” Confessing “I’m prideful,” is an amazing first step to understanding our brokenness. Unfortunately, it is also the vaguest understanding of what’s going on in your mind and triggering your thoughts. Pride is always the beginning: thinking “I can” instead of “God can. Healing can start from understanding where that pride trickles down to in our lives. From what I read in these books and articles and what I hear in these messages and conferences, CCEF is all about figuring out how to get to the bottom of this.

I could genuinely use the guidance of leaders with this vision in my life and I could also use a heads-up on what they believe and hold true to through scripture for self-examination and help for others. I don’t see myself being a counselor behind a desk as much as I see myself wanting to be a useful help to my friends.

Fear of Hate
One of my troubles is being able to share what I’m currently going through. I think the reason I don’t like sharing is because I’m afraid that I will hate the person I’m telling for not caring. I fear that I’ll hate them for not extending a hand in their actions. My father hates the world of talk; he always talks about how his life on earth has been filled with people talking about all that they’re going to do for him, how much they’re going to care about him, and none of it manifesting itself into real action. I share in his pessimism quite a bit. It gets to a nasty level of selfishness, though I’ll also say that it never arises unaccompanied. Though this is an issue of mine, I do always end up telling someone eventually. This is where trouble arises.

I’m always told that if someone comes to you with an issue, you don’t have to scramble for an answer. I believe in that. I’ve been the victim of terrible advice. What’s bad about terrible advice is that if you don’t realize that it’s terrible, you may actually follow it and end up in a world of hurt after. Anyway, the idea behind “just” listening to someone is that listening in itself is an act of love. I think, in the life of a Christian, it’s more than that though.

Yes! please don’t rush premature advice. Maybe it’s not your role to give advice at all. But people wear their pain like battle scars – especially from childhood – and the scars will continue to resurface in different little ways as long as we live in this world of sin. It may be in a feisty attitude here and there, meta-social anxiety from sensitivity to rejection, a distrust of authority from being wronged by a parent, anything. The leaders at CCEF seem committed to getting to the bottom of where this pain is coming from. But they do it in the best way: they use the eyeglasses of Christ to get there and His atoning sacrifice as the foundation for healing. There is no one method to loving someone. There are so many different issues that people have. But one thing that Brian communicated to me in his actions – he never verbally said it to me – was “It is so important that you learn, grow, and repent. This world is not going to be given to you on a silver platter. You’re going to have to be a leader. However, in this battle, in your struggle to run the race, I will fight with you to get to the bottom of this.”

This made Christ’s power to transform people feel so real to me. I don’t know where it has been recently, but I hope to find something like it where I’m going.

I’m a geek. I tinker with and develop things on your LCD. After waiting and eventually getting tired of waiting, I figured out a neat little way to get a “native” Gmail app on your iPhone.

The Problem:
What’s the problem? If you want Gmail, you can enter all of your SMTP/IMAP information into the Mail Application on your iPhone. But what do you miss out on by doing that? Everything that makes Gmail the most superior email client there ever was (seriously). For one, you lose the threading of emails into one email “conversation.” What does it look like when you’ve replied back and forth with some friends in an email? An organized conversation on Gmail. But an absolute mess on your iPhone app.

Why don’t you just navigate to Gmail on your iPhone’s Safari browser?

Ew. Why?

Yes, you get all of the advantages of Gmail. If you save the website as a favorite on your Home Screen, you even get a nifty – yet somewhat aesthetically unsatisfying – icon with your other apps. However, what happens when you tap it? It opens through your Safari browser; if you’ve opened it before, the phone could forget and open another tab in safari with the same Gmail website, leaving you with 10 Gmail tabs on your Safari at the end of the…hour; You lose about 40% of your screen real estate with the address bar and the bottom options bar.

Plus, it just feels ghetto.

Now why does using Gmail on Safari trump the Mail app?

HTML 5!

The UI is interactively brilliant. And best of all, it operates like a real native app because HTML5 allows it to store information (up to 10MB) locally on your iPhone storage for offline usage. Suppose you were reading an email that contained an address for a party. You’re on your way to the party and need the address, but your AT&T 3G connection sucks (as it typically does). You can view that email again in an automatic offline mode.

The Solution:
A Gmail app that’s really the web Gmail app, minus the loss of screen room with Safari UI junk and the unending sea of new tabs. Using my brain for about 5 seconds and little-to-no elbow grease in Dreamweaver got this to happen beautifully. A tutorial for this solution is below:

Let’s Begin!

Here is my home screen with my Gmail shortcut. I favor this logo rendering to the default. Maybe that's just me.

Let’s do this people. Here’s the app icon on my home screen. If you’re wondering what the heck is up with my home screen, I have a custom sense UI running on my iPhone. I’m a big fan of Android and especially of what HTC has done with the UI on the HTC Hero/Eris. That’s actually not the main screen. Like Android, there is a home screen with a vintage clock, weather, and a gray pullout to this shelf of apps.

The Boot Screen

Do you like?

When you boot the app, you will even be welcomed by this neat boot screen as the site loads in the background. I’m a big fan of the Gotham typeface lately, so it naturally became the weapon of choice.

Step 1:

Feel free to check out satchelldrakes.com!

Point your browser to “http://www.satchelldrakes.com/gmail”. Pay very close attention to the next steps before doing this. They must be executed with tact!

Step 2:

Your skills must be like that of a rogue for this part.

Okay, here is the part that you need to do quickly. This app is nothing more than a portal to the Gmail website. In the HTML file that ports you there from my website, I have offset the loading time by approximately 4 seconds so that you can execute this next step. Once you hit “Go” for the website I’ve provided, quickly tap the “+” icon on the bottom bar of your Safari app. Next, hit the “Add to Home Screen” button and save it to your Home Screen.

Step 3:

If you see this screen, you have succeeded!

This is an image of success. Once it’s saved, boot up the app to your new, functionally native, full-screened Gmail app!

The new app icon should load correctly, though if you didn’t choose to save it quick enough, you may have to try again. I got it on the first try.

You have put more joy in my heart than they have when their grain and wine abound.

Psalm 4:7

“Turn your eyes upon Jesus,

Look full in His wonderful face,

And the things of earth will grow strangely dim,

In the light of His glory and grace.”

I haven’t any scripture to ground this recurring realization of mine in, but there’s one truth that never ceases to expose me and, often times, the folks around me: the qualities you hate most in people (or a person in particular) are typically the imperfections you personally struggle or have struggled with the most.

We are always on the verge of hypocrisy if we haven’t already unsheathed the measuring stick to crack against our brothers’ knees. For scripture reveals:

Judge not, that you be not judged. For with the judgment you pronounce you will be judged, and with the measure you use it will be measured to you. Why do you see the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when there is the log in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the log out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to take the speck out of your brother’s eye.
Matthew 7:1-5

After about a year or two of peculiar rebellion against taking up scripture reading as an imperative activity (or as an activity at all) since being renewed in Christ, the gospels have been a great source of clarity. Best thing about reading them a second and third time is that you realized that you missed a lot the last time you read it. There are two unavoidable responses to this bit in Matthew:

Fear: The measuring stick that we put up against our brothers to follow will be used against us in our judgment (verse 1, and it’s repeated another way in Romans 2:3). This is not to say that we should not have growth-driven expectations of each other as brothers, or that we should not hold and use the holy standards of scripture to help one another and hold each other accountable. It is, however, a response to the man who in arrogant, narcissistic, pomp bitterness tears his brother apart in his mind and in action without ever properly confronting Him. This doesn’t always have to manifest itself in harsh, guilt-inducing language from one man to another (which it rarely even does).

Rather than speaking one-on-one with someone you’d lovingly and seriously like to see grow, you slip a slightly biting critique of the person’s character into a conversation with others. Or you indirectly drop comments and personality insults on your Facebook status and blog. Even worse: you use scripture in an unhelpful way. I know this sounds weird, for scripture is authoritative and always profitable for teaching. But throwing it in passing at someone who is obviously internally hurting, rather than compassionately discipling and revealing the healing guidance of God’s word is wicked. I’d say it’s like dark arts for a persons heart if you’re solely using it to slam a person.

Conviction: I am as guilty as my brother. As a matter of fact, because of the shear reality that I am inside of my own sinful mind 24/7, I should see myself as the guiltiest of all men. I’m selfish to the core, and even in my attempt to seek pure motives in the things I do, the bitter taste of legalism eggs me on to find my breath of fresh air in self-righteousness as I attempt to emulate selflessness (That may nor may not make complete sense to everyone).

For some reason, we feel entitled to being friends with perfect people.  We expect to be around people who won’t let us down when we need them, won’t miss things when we need them there, and won’t wrong us despite practically knowing exactly how our brains operate. Our fallenness has left us afflicted and needy. And unfortunately it’s more relaxing to raise our arms to point the finger than open our eyes to the reality that we all suffer from the same disease. I know our fathers weren’t all Jesus Christ, and maybe that’s why with the invitation we have to be His children, we should risk letting our pride take the fall (because it’s inevitable regardless), accept Him as our real God, and release our friends from being our functional God. The reason is because people make terrible Gods. They perish. And they’re definitely not built for it. I’m preaching to myself right now because I made the terrible mistake as a new Christian of thinking that Christian mentors are meant to be looked up to as Christ in the flesh.

There’s a song by a great band named “As Tall As Lions.” It’s a great arrangement, though it’s a song preaching atheism. The lead singer belts out, “Can’t you see it’s better to die on your feet than live down on your knees?” It’s quite a thought-provoking lyric. The only problem is that we don’t have a choice in the matter; we will always be living down on our knees. The question is “For what exactly?” Our joys and emotions will always be held captive to whatever we hold in high regard and the harsh reality is that we do try to make these things our God. A person’s wrongful action could send your heart into an unending downward spiral if you invest that much faith in them. It’s not difficult. Understand we were not made for this.

The common response to these verses in Matthew is that we almost don’t have the right to pass any type of judgment upon anyone in the church because we have our own sins. What a terrible miscommunication. This falls into complete opposition to scripture where it states:

For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge?
1 Corinthians 5:12

If we completely abort any sort of discernment, there is no forward mobility for inner change in any member of the church. As a church, we ultimately just become charity-oriented people, with a full comprehension of the crying outside the door, but no concern for our fallen nature, need for accountability, and direction towards spiritual transformation. We become self-righteous, in a “tolerant” and accepting sort-of way. I know that seems weird to hear. But I see it all the time. How are they self-righteous? In communities like this, there isn’t hate or judgment towards the prostitute or the tax-collector; everyone understands that they have “their own sins” and that they have “no right to judge.” As a result, the people who receive the hate and judgment are those who attempt to reach for the heart and preach repentance.

A little over a month ago, I had the opportunity to ask Pastor Mark Driscoll of Mars Hill Church a couple of questions regarding the modern church, the incorporation of media, and how a media director such as myself should be interacting with my pastor when we need those things (the telephone “interview” is in the video below).

Mars Hill Church in Seattle is nothing short of a powerhouse of resources for all people seeking Jesus and His ministry. To reiterate the brief synopsis that caught my attention: they are the fastest growing church in our nation, in a city where there are more pet dogs than Christians. Somehow in my walk as a new, young Christian I stumbled upon their website a little over a year ago and through the teaching of their Ballard campus pastor, Mark Driscoll, and the aid of their resource-centered sister website, The Resurgence, I learned the foundations as well as the nitty gritty details of my faith. And I’m currently still in the process of growing. In my, once obsession, but now tamed appreciation for this Seattle ministry, four things appeal to me:

1. The centrality of the Gospel
2. The biblical attitude of Reformed Theology
3. A pastor who knows that he’s presenting all of this biblical, sometimes Christian-jargony, material to ex-Atheists like me who don’t always pick up on the Evangelical “Christianese.”
4. The incorporation of seasoned, experienced graphic design and web development work.

In regards to the infrastructure of a church media team and their interaction with a board of elders or a pastor, I never had formal direction as to how our meetings should look when we need animations, a visual identity, and themed ProPresenter slides for a new series or a special event. I certainly feel like it is very important for media directors and church creatives to read up on their bible when creating visuals for a congregation of believers. I wasn’t sure what types of calls the pastor made in the mix, but I knew for sure that we as artists need to comprehend the power of the idol of ’self-expression’ that most creative people tend to get boggled down with; the temptation to override scripture or the authoritative word of an elder to add something you think may be more ‘relevant’ may be unhelpful and potentially damaging if you’re not in scripture. I question the motives of a creator who wouldn’t fill their pastor in on everything that they are doing visually before they reveal it to an entire congregation. A media person has power over what people see, and if you think art – as abstracted as it can be – can’t be used for evil, you’re definitely misinformed.

At any rate, I asked Driscoll what typically goes on between the media team and him in Seattle. He told me he was a communications major which is, indeed, a serious plus on so many different levels. Not everyone has that luxury and he sympathizes, stating that it is indeed tougher. I’ll let the video below do the talking (I’m not white gentleman with the glasses, I’m the man on the phone).

We’re not alone, church artists. And we have a responsibility. It doesn’t hurt to seek each other out and try to grow from one another. That’s one of the primary reasons I’ve decided to change the direction of this blog here. Maybe you can take a trip to Seattle, haha. I definitely plan on going this summer for a week or two, and maybe I can get extroverted and friendly enough for someone at Ballard campus to show me around the art department and allow me to ask the millions of questions that I have. Keep in mind that art isn’t what we worship, however:

So, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God.
1 Corinthians 10:31

I wouldn’t classify anything I write as scholarly or reputable any further than a brother’s opinion, however, if you’re an artist and the idol of ’self-expression’ idea caught your attention in this entry, just scroll down a little bit and you’ll find a (much) longer entry where I had a chance to sit down and unpack the snares and identities of it.

I’m more sinful than I could ever imagine. And the worst thing about it is that I have to stick around to find out.

I thought about that yesterday in my random, displaced times of reflection and sighed. I’m not a good man by a long shot. Sometimes, it seems difficult enough viewing myself as so. There’s always a wild circus of  shenanigans in my head and when I get a chance to remember that the air I breathe was a gift from the Creator, I survey my barren heart and think: “Is it too late for me?”

“Whatever does not proceed from faith is sin.”
Romans 14:23

Oh, alright. Faith is a resourceful thing to have. Especially when you’re at odds and logic doesn’t give you the way out that you think you should take. It’s in the heart, right? If I believe from deep within myself that something is right, then it has to be an automatic fruit of faith; it has to be right. Right?

“All these evil things come from within, and they defile a person” Mark 7:23

What? I can’t trust my heart? What am I then? Why even try to crawl if I’m only moving backwards? Am I not safe in my own skin?

“I know that no good dwells within me, that is, in my flesh”
Romans 7:18

I’m in a wavering state right now. Sometimes, the reality of God’s breath on my brittle soul is so warm and real that I can see the horror of my rebellion against him. I see myself in action, I comprehend why, and I get a glimpse of the actual offense I commit against myself, my Father, and the people whom I’m called to lead. Other days, I just don’t. That day is today. These are the days when my very skin likes to have a field day with my heart and allow me to forget about the life I yearn to live, the transformation I dream to experience, the people I desire to love, and the past I can’t wait to leave. I usually give in. Today doesn’t feel especially magical, though my firm stance at the foot of the cross despite the temptation to leave doesn’t feel like legalistic white-knuckling: it feels like I’m patiently waiting for something.

I’m waiting for God to lift me in His arms. No purity is in my flesh? Fine. All the more reason to rejoice in the God who loves me and lifted a man off of his feet to show him the framework of His creation. My life is a mess. And yeah, my ankle-joint jitters as I wait for a period of clarity and refinement in this life. So maybe I just need to kneel. I know that y’all out in interweb land have back-pains too. Let’s stand together.

One of my closest friends retorted my initial comment on my sinfulness with this: “You are more loved than you ever dared hope, and the best thing about it is that you get to stick around and find out.”

Be careful when you think to yourself and throw words around. “Broken” has become a word that evangelicals throw around a lot. Lovers of God professing “I’m broken, you’re broken, we’re all broken!” It is true. Man is fallen beyond all recognition – literally. We are, in a sense, broken. But living inside of those who comprehend and look to the Holy sacrifice of Jesus Christ have something inside of them that isn’t: The Holy Spirit. He isn’t broken. And even he breaks us. But not in the sense of failure and inadequacy. No, he breaks us in; more like a pair of fresh new tennis shoes, so that we might become stronger and more weather-resistant to the atom-piercing force known as life. Paul admitted that he had a thorn in his side; that his flesh was constantly at war with his spirit. And it’s by Christ’s sacrifice for our lives and the transforming power of the Holy Spirit that he endured and “ran the race.”

Falling to sin can’t be our destiny, and perfection will not come until our God brings it on that day. So until then, make it a war.

About a month ago it dawned upon me that it’s not normal to be hit with a tightening pain in the chest with an increased pulse, difficulty breathing, and a paranoid-state of impatience with people a couple of times in a day. I had been dealing with that for years now and I figured it was a part of life for everyone. It wasn’t even really “dealing,” because I assumed it to be the stress that accompanied a regular day. Medically, the symptoms point to anxiety. This realization wasn’t made clear to me through a specialist or anyone in particular, but rather with a friend who was on medication for the same things. For those who go to TCNJ, it was a week later that there was a special lecture at InterVarsity regarding anxiety and medical treatment which, in some areas I felt was helpful, and in other areas it actually made me ridiculously anxious and tempted to diagnose & label myself as the “Anxiety” guy. completely unnecessary. And maybe you’ll call me an absolutely prideful fool for not seeking help, but I researched, thought, prayed first and in the midst of seeking, I’ve pretty much gone this past week without a pain. Which scares the hell out of me, because it leads me to believe that there is a living, breathing God who listens and actively changes things. When I sat down and said to myself “I’m going to write in this Word Document and then copy and paste it to WordPress maybe,” I wasn’t thinking of wasting your time with a shallow testimony of the sovereignty of God. You have a bible that explains it with much more beautiful words and much more beautiful stories. There are two things that I believe assist greatly and powerfully when one is dealing with any degree of anxiety.

1. The greatest spiritual giants this world has ever seen (and probably some of your friends) deal with it.
2. It’s there because we’re totally depraved and riddled with unbelief in the provision and providence of God.
2.5 It remains because we don’t want to admit that it’s directly caused by us and that we can hand it over to the cross.

I thought about it for five seconds and decided that I am not going to write an exposition on anything. Instead, here is a link to John Piper’s sermon: “Battling The Unbelief of Anxiety.” Some might say that something like a little change in mind or a little convincing can’t possibly change a “condition.” That this idea is unrelated. Bull. Here’s one thing I realized that made a lot of sense to me. There were only specific times that I got anxiety. I’m not humble enough to expose them all but one was when I was reading the bible. Some people say “I had to die to myself to really pick up God’s word.” Okay, I was like dying as I picked up God’s word. Reading that thing every day was so utterly painful. My throat would get so dry and I wouldn’t be able to produce saliva because I was so anxious. Why? Recognizing that the feelings I felt weren’t normal caught my attention, and understanding that everything that goes on in my head is always a spiritual issue relating back to my sinfulness made me ask questions.

“Why am i so anxious? What do I hope to get out of this scripture? What do I see in reading this? Do I really just wanna get to the end of it? When is this chapter going to be over? Do I just need to feel like I accomplished reading this for the day? Who am I fooling? What is the rush? Why would I realistically want to rush this? This is the reason that I’m alive; what do I have that’s more important to focus on? This is it.”

I get the feeling most people have felt anxious or at least easily distracted by reading the bible. It is extremely easy to get distracted, which is why I read on the 4th floor of the library without my laptop. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t have to isolate myself anymore, but when you’re sensitive to the fact that you’re a selfish person, you really realize how much you try to take the best of yourself. You rob yourself, ironically, in the pursuit of yourself. Anyway, I started this chain of questions with anything that brought that tightness in my chest, and I prayed, which, has more power than the Reformed community will really give it. On iTunes, Matt Chandler from “The Village Church Podcast” has a sermon titled “The Art of Prayer” which, yes, exegetically explains that people found in Christ have the ability to pray for things and from that prayer have God lovingly act on them.

Growth in better understanding of my fears helped expose the fact that I have tons of unbelief. There were a number of times these past 2 weeks where Pastor Yunn said “are there any prayer requests” and on the tip of my tongue stood “unbelief.” It never quite made it out because I didn’t want people to think I was drowning in doubt of the gospel or something. Even if I were, what would I be so scared for? I wouldn’t be shunned or unloved or anything…I think. Regardless, that was hardly the case. The gospel has been sorta my rock in this. Rather, in the prayers said during a battle against anxiety I’d admit to myself and God that I don’t believe that he will be there for me in the future, I don’t believe that He will provide a full life for me, I don’t believe that he’s going to help me mature into manhood. There’s a lot that I don’t believe at the moment. It has nothing to do with doubt in God’s capacity to do them as much as this is just what my actions are saying about my thoughts. Admitting my unbelief has brought me and God so much tighter, which spawns a different dynamic of prayer and conversation. I fear less than I have before, and I know that when I am anxious, I’m just overwhelming myself with thoughts and worries about my performance – nothing else. We’re not complicated people, as noble as we’d like to think we are for being so. We want glory and dignity to hold onto, and some of us freak out too much if it’s caught in the balance of things. Think about it, I’ll never have an anxiety attack for you or your name. Just mine and my name.

This is not at all what I wanted to waste my time jotting down. Whatever.

My disappointment isn’t really in one side winning over the other, as much as a lack of substantial content supporting the bias Maddie and the author had against his beliefs. In the article, she allegedly engages philosophy, sociology, and “things of that nature,” but used neither one to reason her views on homosexual equality/personal convictions/things of the like with him. It was interesting jumping from reasonably connected topics of how Christians view homosexuality & purpose on earth to a sloppily developed and random transition into the fact that he didn’t believe in taking medication. It more or less seemed like an emotional, premature, unacademic scream for people to not listen to anything he said just because of his personal choice in medical treatment. Of course, him and I both know that it’s not a common one, which doesn’t make it bad. I don’t have the same belief, however whether I agree with it or not really has nothing to do with a decision to intentionally pursue a life with a God who forgives my iniquities; the fact that the magazine included that fact was irrelevant and unnecessary.

Overall, in the article there was a noticeable – and predictable – pattern.

“I’m not going to try to convince Craig that there is no God. I wouldn’t want him to try to convince me that there is a God. I can’t say that I’m right, because it’s just what I believe – and he can’t say that he’s right.”

First odd thing about this statement is that if this person feels that she’s standing on unstable ground in regards to her beliefs – when she said that “I can’t say that I’m right” – this in no way implies that he (the Christian) doesn’t have the philosophical and historical support to stand firm and assuredly say that he himself is right in his belief. That’s besides the point though; she’s just one person. There are other people who believe without a doubt that there is no God.

The general attitude is “What’s true for me is true for me and what’s true for you is true for you,” to which I reply, “What if what’s true for me says that your “truth” is a lie: is it still true?” This is where you can count on a silent arrogance to indirectly say “No, you don’t have the right to say that I’m wrong. You’re completely intolerant. So therefore, your intolerance makes your belief invalid because I cannot participate in it.” The problem I have with this “Tolerance” religion is the fact that it seems to in most cases just be an escape rope out of ever being wrong or feeling the need to intellectually explore anything. The “Tolerant” believers are only tolerant to other tolerant believers and are intolerant to those who don’t tolerate as much as they do (tongue twister, hope you can follow, hah). The problem I have with this is: how tolerant are you if you can’t tolerate the intolerant (those who don’t agree with you)? How tolerant is that? The whole point of “tolerating” something is that you don’t agree with it, but co-exist with it anyway. Otherwise, if you agreed with it, there’d be nothing to “tolerate.” You’d just agree. I “tolerate” a thief; I disagree with his morals, but I won’t murder him on sight or excommunicate him. Therefore, I “tolerate,” him.

People have seriously raped this word “tolerant” and have made it into this religion where everyone MUST agree with or be completely complacent to every way of life. Somehow this way of living is supposed to spawn an unconditional love within people. The unfortunate reality is that we are totally depraved, flawed beings who will love and hate what we want – almost always for our own prideful benefit – and this religion just rallies people against those who are willing to embrace the fact that they don’t love everyone’s decisions. If that’s the case, what separates this system from any other system that only tolerates its followers? I’m in no way arguing then that the perfect belief system is one where everyone fits in, but if this one in particular is going to parade around the illusion that it does, it’s flawed and it is a total lie.

If your reason for disagreeing with someone’s decision is because it offends an almighty creator who created a natural order that people are rebelling against, then fair enough. Those who care enough to disagree will wholeheartedly investigate. I’m surprised that the girl who was raised Catholic stated that absolute truth could definitely not be found in religious texts, especially considering the fact that The Catholic Church doesn’t believe in holding the Bible in ultimate authority; I doubt that she was asked to teach much out of it, let alone that she was self-encouraged to investigate any other religion’s texts to spew out such a broad comment. If she was raised Catholic and decided that it was all wrong and left for atheism, I don’t blame her. I’m with her. Catholic theology is terrible, inconsistent, confusing, and completely out of line with the historical contexts of the Old and New Testament in a number of arenas. For one, they believe that the more good works you do, the better chance you’ll get into heaven. Nothing is secured and you can, in fact, lose your “salvation.” Alternatively, you can be guaranteed a path to heaven by wearing a stupid bracelet. Silly. Eh, I digress.

The function of the article seemed pretty simple; a burn for the Christian on the hot-seat (what else is new) and a manufactured “+1″ for the same old flimsy relativist worldview our college loves to boast. I have no doubts that he was a good sport nonetheless. I’m disabling comments because this area isn’t my forte and I hate politics.